Hospital Etiquette

Is there such a thing?

When you find out someone close to you (other than a family member) is in the hospital in an emergency situation, what do you do?

Do you run to your computer and post it on all social media for anyone and everyone to know?

If it is yourself or a loved one in the hospital do you want to be left alone or do you want calls and visitors?

Do you call or text them and say how sorry you are to hear that and then say “let me know if you need anything”?

These are the questions I wonder how others feel about because I have my own thoughts on them, which you may or may not agree with. And I am guilty of not doing some of the things I will mention!

 So this past weekend we found ourselves at Strong Hospital in Rochester, NY with our son, again. He was born a preemie there almost 16 years ago and spent the first 3 months of his life in the NICU.

Eight years after that he ended up there again with a rare staph condition that kept him there almost a week.

This time we were there for a collapsed lung. The explanation for that is that he is tall and skinny!

This is the best hospital in the city and very familiar to us. As I was driving there one morning I was reflecting on things over the past few days that we’d been there and specifically on the reaction and response of our friends.

My daughters were the only family members that I had the time or wits about me to inform about this trip to the hospital and I called them from the ambulance on the way.

There were others we wanted to let know, knowing they would pray and that they would be concerned. Others found out because of plans and events that had to be cancelled. We were adamant about this kind of news NOT being posted on Facebook. Why? Because we would eventually get to the task of informing those we knew would want to know…..those who are in our lives and we know care about us.....and not have them find out on Facebook. 

 So our first night, actually while still in the ER, a close friend came to sit with us. It was a blessing to have someone to fill in the conversation while waiting for all the medical stuff to happen. Since neither my husband or I wanted to leave our son at that point, it was great to have him go to the cafeteria to get some dinner for us and to sit and wait with us while they were doing a procedure on our son.

The next day my son’s youth pastor called to see if he could visit, but by the time he got there Michael had just fallen asleep. It gave us an opportunity to chat with and get to know the Pastor better and for him to know about Michael more. That was great.

A couple friend of ours called and asked if they could visit. They asked if they could bring anything for us and then came with balloons and gifts for Michael. While they were there they offered to stay with Michael so that my husband and I could go down to the cafeteria for some dinner. You see it was our 18^th wedding anniversary and that was our only option to “celebrate”! They got some time with Michael, we had an “anniversary” dinner and it helped pass the endless hours of sitting in a hospital room.

A childhood friend of Michael's called to see how he was and just wanted to know if he was going to be okay.

Others have consistently texted or called for updates.

I have given you these examples because I think those are great ways to follow through on the “let me know if you need anything” phrase we find ourselves saying but have no idea what that might be. The best part is that we didn’t ask any of those people to do what they did.

The Lord has a lot to say about doing for others in the bible. In James 2:15 it says “Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?” 

 He’s already commanded it…. now go and just DO IT. 

When I am the one in the hospital I just like to know that people close to me and that I care about are concerned and that they called. I also like to know that they checked up on me. Yes, I am guilty of not doing this! I may not want visitors while I am in the hospital because of how I feel or how I look, but just knowing that someone expressed their concern lifts the spirits. My least favorite phrase is "I was giving you time". Now is the time, when I feel terrible, to let me know that you care!!

Instead of focusing on the people that did reach out, sometimes I focus on the ones who didn’t, that I think should have. I find that most respond to the initial news, say “let me know if you need anything” and then you never hear from them again. When they are people I consider close or part of my life, it is upsetting. But I do realize that not everyone acts or responds to the same situation the same way. Or the way I think they should.

And I am guilty of not doing the very things that upset me.

Why? I think there is that fear of bugging people while they are sick, or not knowing what to say, or that maybe I am not someone they even want to hear from! I am afraid I will call at the wrong time or say the wrong thing. 

If you are someone that truly wants to reach out and do something but don’t know what to do, you may find yourself just doing nothing.

Here’s a few suggestions that I personally would want from people and that I would feel comfortable doing myself.

 *  Instead of saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do”,offer to go to their house and water their plants or feed their cat. Offer to bring their books from home to them. Bring lunch or some cookies to the family members sitting at the hospital all day. Hey, go and mow their lawn! 

·     *  Actually avoid the phrase “let me know if there is anything I can do” altogether! Not very many in the thick of the situation will call you for something.

·     *  Offer to relieve the family members to go eat or to go out to get some fresh air. Call first to be sure it is okay to drop in at the hospital.

·     *  Check up and then follow up. After the initial news while they are in the hospital and when they get home give a call to a family member or to them depending on their condition, to see how they are doing and then check back every so often. I just joined the world of texting and I find it a great way to send a quick note that the recipient can respond to at their leisure, or not at all. The key here is that you are calling them for an update, not asking for them to give you one.  There is much to do sometimes for someone sitting with the sick person that making a call to everyone that asks for an update is just not possible. If you call them they can pick up if they are free or call you back if they aren’t.

·      * Consider the time of day. Early morning or late evening is probably not the best time to call for an update.

  * Our lives are all busier than they ever have been and most of our communication is through social media. In this case I think a personal, private message on Facebook or texting is perfectly fine to express your concern if you just can’t make a trip to the hospital or to their home. I think that if you have their cell phone number in your phone, you are close enough to text them for updates!

   These are just my personal observations, perceptions and feelings on the subject of hospital etiquette.

   How do you feel about it? 

    Are you a sayer or a doer?

    AnnMarie xoxo

P.S. My son is home now and doing fine. He just can't play basketball for a few weeks!



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